Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Not Your Mama's Muffin Recipe

Picture this: You're sitting there on a park bench, enjoying the beautiful weather, when a group of girls walk by. They're talking and laughing, thinking they're hot shit while wearing the latest fashion; tight jeans, tummy bearing shirts, and DC's. Your attention is riveted and in a moment of envy you wish you could pull off the look.

You go to look away and do a double-take. Suddenly you're not envious anymore cause between the skin tight jeans and half shirt, there it is..like the phenomenon its named after, when muffin batter rises over the top of its pan, you see the expanse of overflowing flab. WTF?!

Ok, ladies. Take a look, and if you notice any similarities between yourself and the following picture, you are a serious offender of the MUFFIN TOP.


Now, on to the good stuff.

Not only is this in no way acceptable, but its disgusting. Who taught you how to dress? More importantly, who the F&*$# told you that it was attractive?! As a fellow woman, I know the looooooooong process of dressing for the day or the crucial night-on-the-town outfitting process. We want to look good, and feel good about ourselves while doing it. We want to pick something that says "Look at me, I'm looking dayyum good".

Well, when you slip on those tight jeans that are a size or two too small and cinch your belt to the last hole, thus producing the muffin top, you are accomplishing your goal. People are going to look at you but they aren't going to like the ooey gooey thats overflowing from your middle. In fact, more than likely they are going to point, whisper behind their hands, or outright laugh in your direction.

Guys will resist (or give in to) the urge to sneak up behind you, grab a handful, or two and run away laughing. Girls will grimace, turn to their friends and mimic puking noises for the general public to hear, causing everyone within the vicinity to crane their necks and stand on tiptoes so they can catch a peek at the blob too.

Muffin Tops are not hot and they are not sexy. They do not look good. When a random stranger hangs out the window of their car and yells, "I LOVE MUFFINS" you are not supposed to give them the thumbs up. Its not a compliment. Its their way, of a strangers way, of telling you that you need to loosen them jeans girl! Think about it..random stranger..addressing your muffin top..out of a car window...random stranger...thats not just a muffin top needing to be addressed, that's a damn inter-tube that needs to be deflated.

C'mon, do yourselves and everyone around you a favor and say buh-bye to that nasty muffin of yours. Find a pair of jeans that fit, forget the belt and be muffin free.

If after viewing the picture above you are still in denial about your muffiny-good status, check out the video below. All your doubts will be erased.


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