Saturday, January 7, 2012

Seriously, What The Fu-No, You Can't Hold My Baby.

Ok, creeper lady in the Grocery store. Cashier in the mall. Bossy woman that no one can stand in our church congregation. Yes, YOU. I tell you every time we come here, you can't hold my baby. No, don't try to jiggle her little foot. Stop pinching her dimples. Seriously, I don't know here those have been, don't stick your fat fingers in my babies mouth..

...Alright, I know you aren't the same weirdo I avoided eye contact with yesterday at Winn-Dixie but to me, you're all pretty much the same. Always so pushy and invasive. You flutter about, ohh-ing and ahh-ing and giving pretty little compliments thinking you'll pull the wool over my eyes.

I'm not an idiot and you're still not gonna hold my baby, lady.

You lean casually over the bar of your shopping cart, cooing and babbling. You tell her how pretty she is, tousle her dark curls and ask how old she is. I smile and pause to count before telling you she's 8 months. You tilt your head slightly to one side, and smile hopefully while emitting a long string of awwww's and preciouuuuuuus's in that sugary baby voice.

I see where you're going with this and you're NOT holding my baby.

The guy down the isle checking inventory is giving me sympathetic looks. Your husband is walking in the other direction, clearly he's seen this act before and is embarrassed.

Go away lady.

Your smelly perfume is choking me.
I can see the lipstick stains on your teeth.

Back up lady, you're way too close.

My grip on my baby tightens, your husband begins to frantically beckon. You keep getting closer, like a tiger stalking its prey.

I can't take it anymore, lady. Get the F*&# away!

Here are a few things Baby Snatchers should know before they ever set foot into:

A) Malls
B) Grocery Stores
C) Church
D) Restaurants
E) Parks get the picture, so..Continuing on.

When a baby buries their face into its mothers shoulder, its not because they're shy. Its because they don't want to be bothered. Same as an adult, when we ignore each other it means we don't want to be effing messed with.

When a baby takes one look at you, immediately pops his/her bottom lip out and begins to whimper, its not your cue to laugh and try to get closer. B*&#@, there's nothing funny about a baby that's frightened at the very sight of you! Some advice? Plastic surgery..

When you reach out to touch a baby and their reaction is to suck in a breath and scream, don't act surprised. You knew it was coming. No, don't try again. Uh-oh, I warned the managers coming over.

When you lean in to talk like an idiot to a baby and they smack you..well you get the picture.

Look, I'm all for showing the munchkins love but Baby Snatchers should know better. When you had little ones did you want random strangers coming up and touching all over them? Did you ever let them put out their arms and hold your baby?

No. I didn't think so.

So keeping your dirty paws away from mine. This is not negotiable.


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